Guidelines for Discussing Estate Planning With Your Spouse
It’s been nagging at the back of your mind for months now like that song you can’t get out of your head. You think about it when you wake up and can’t go back to sleep at 3:00 a.m. or when you’re stuck in traffic on the drive home from work. You’ve been putting off bringing it up to your spouse this whole time, but now it’s time to have The Talk.
It’s time to discuss estate planning.
Here are some guidelines for starting this conversation with your spouse or significant other.
Choose the right time and place
This is true for any difficult conversation in a marriage: the setting matters. Be deliberate about the time and the place without springing the conversation on an unsuspecting spouse. Instead, choose a quiet location that makes you both comfortable, whether it’s your front porch swing, a favorite bench at a local park, or a secluded coffee shop.
The time matters, too. If your partner turns into a pumpkin by 9 p.m., then it’s best not to start the talk at 8:45. Select a time when you’re both rested and attentive.
A note about alcohol: While you might feel more relaxed after a drink or two, it’s best to have hard conversations when you’re sober. Research shows “alcohol intake makes people short-sighted,” a condition referred to as alcohol myopia. This means you have a harder time seeing the big picture and instead focus only on the details at hand. This can affect your mood, increase anxiety, and lead to arguments.
In other words, dousing alcohol on top of a potentially already-stress-inducing topic may result in a disaster.
This might sound like: “I’ve been thinking about our need for estate planning. Would you be willing to talk with me? Maybe after dinner we could take a walk.”
Set the phones aside
The texts and emails can wait. You want your partner to feel like they have your full attention, so give it to them by setting your phone aside.
This might sound like: “I want to be fully attentive during this conversation, so I’m going to leave my phone on the charger. Would you be willing to do the same?”
Begin with your why
There’s a reason you want to talk with your spouse about estate planning, so start there. What’s caused you to lie awake at 3:00 a.m. thinking about health care directives? Are you preparing to welcome your first child and want to make sure you have legal documents ready? Maybe you’ve realized the plans you have for guardianship no longer make sense. Are you nearing retirement age or thinking about the needs of caring for aging parents? Start there.
As you begin the conversation, help your spouse understand why you want to discuss estate planning. And of course, be honest and authentic. While it’s helpful to have some plans of what you’d like to say, you don’t need a rehearsed, polished speech. Share from your heart.
This might sound like: “I can’t believe we’ll be empty nesters in another year. Where does time go? I realize this isn’t a fun topic, but as we get ready for this next stage in life, I think it’s important we make sure we have documents like a power of attorney and possibly a trust ready to go.”
Listen well
After you’ve stated your why, be ready to listen. Any healthy relationship leaves room for give and take. Now it’s your spouse’s turn to share their feelings. That means you need to be ready to listen to their perspective, even if it’s different from yours. You don’t want a challenging conversation to cause lasting harm in your relationship, so include open dialogue — a time to speak and a time to listen.
This might sound like: “So that’s where I’m coming from. What are your thoughts?”
Take breaks as needed
It's hard to talk about estate planning without thinking about death, a topic many of us are uncomfortable thinking about. You probably won’t reach a consensus and make all of your decisions during one conversation. Take breaks and reconvene as needed.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your estate plan won’t be either!
This might sound like: “This has been a lot to take in for both of us. Maybe we should regroup and revisit this again in a few days after we’ve had some time to process.”
Bring in a professional
Just as you bring in a professional when you need to replace your roof or refinance a loan, you can also rely on the support of an estate planning attorney when you and your spouse are ready to make your plans. We always start with a free consultation at Miroslavich Law, and we would be honored to sit down with you and your spouse.
Attorney Miroslavich is also a trained mediator, so you are in extra capable hands for starting your estate planning journey.
This might sound like: “My friend Kathy recommended this great estate planning attorney, Melissa Miroslavich. She starts with a free meeting. Can I get that scheduled for next month?”
In today’s world, there are many things to keep us awake in the middle of the night. With this guide, talking with your spouse about estate planning doesn’t need to be one of them!
